On the Road to Happiness

2024-09-11 · Ho Chanh Nghia

Originally published on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/road-happiness-khanh-pham-yybnc/

On the Road to Happiness

Favor for Favor

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PwLRe6DJTLh2qDjdnFgSMRiDdvaiH_77GD1dKjjZVRo/edit?usp=sharing

Lessons for Men in Search of How and Why.

How to find the perfect woman for you?

Why behind the how?

I ignored women during my teens.  Not because I had no emotion, but I had no understanding of the emotions so I pushed them aside.  This caused problems in adulthood where I had to deal with emotions I do not comprehend.  It was in my early 30’s when I decided to accept that I have emotions, and explore means and comprehension of those emotions.  All those emotions.

There are many tangents, but I will try to stay as narrow as I can manage, on the topic of happiness, women, and the idea of marriage or life partner.  Unlike my hero Benjamin Franklin, who approaches the issue from the area with the best chance to succeed, I am doing the opposite and speak to the man instead of the woman about marriage. I must say though, the issue is just one issue, but one can come at it from various angles.  The angle here is, I am a man, I feel lonely, I want a woman in my life, what can I do in my situation, in my current time which is 2024 AD.

I believe that we are living in a material world.  There still exist people living outside of this world, but for the most part if you need any help from what I write here, you’re one foot in or two feet in this material world.  Material world as in: money, status, power.  Profit, Power.  Once you expand pass the material world, you will still find yourself having to toy in it to live and achieve your aim and purpose. Again, I may have detract from the purpose.

The solution must be appropriate across many areas to make it sustainable with the least effort.  Or we can say it differently, an effective solution must appropriately address all the areas of concerns and nullify all the resistance or barriers.

To begin with the problem.  We can always divide it into 2 or more parts.  I will divide this into the have and the have not.  They already have most of what is desired in life, except for the solution to loneliness, boredom, and the plethora of emotions that drives a person to seek.  The seeker.  Not like the Jesuits who seek truths and seek until death knock, but more basic seekers who are just looking for a place to rest and live out the rest of their day without seeking everyday.  They have not on the other hand, are missing everything or most of everything.  Money and honey.  On the surface they may seem unrelated, but they are more intertwined than not–in my view.  Happy men will make more money, and men with more money gets more honey.   The right honey or the Hunter Biden honey is another matter.

In Vietnamese, there is a saying, with money you can buy the angels in heaven.  In the words of George Bush, the drug guy, say that you can solve any problem with money.  If money cannot solve your problem, you can solve it with a lot of money.  There are truth to it all, but as with most systems, you can exceed its limitations and it fails as all failed systems.

Let’s start with the have.  I have more money than I can use, but I cannot find the honey to use it with.  A depressing problem to say the least.  A bankruptcy problem to say the most.  In Helen of Troy, we have seen men throw away their empires to satisfy the needs of his emotions.  All con artists understand this and have even made a scientific discipline out of it.  In the world of the living, they call it the honey trap.  Ideal for use on lonely men with more money than honey.

One simple method to approach this issue from this position, is to reposition.  Yes, it is generally true that you must use different bait for different fish. While some fish may be attracted to a variety of baits, there are certain types of bait that are more effective for specific species.  At an annual gathering in Orlando in 2015, where all the owners of a franchise gathered to share their accomplishments and motivate each other to spend more on the franchise; there was a young female representative who attracted males like flies to honey.  I noted the observation, and my neighbor cited that if you show up to the meeting looking like that then, that is what you attract.  I have seen this in my sister, and my ex lovers, who failed at finding the right men.  I have seen this in men who failed at finding the right women.  Using the wrong bait, and ending up with the wong fish.  Fishing for bass, and end up with catfish.

Change the name, change the friends, change the environment, change the bank account, and go back to being the have not.  From this perspective, the two categories of men will have a similar challenge and solution.  The major difference exists though, in the internal dialogue.  A have still thought in abundance, they have not thought in scarcity.  It would require a long treatise just to explain and solve it for each person.  It will solve itself or not during the journey, but in the end it is usually resolved with old age.

As someone who has not, there is no expensive dinner, no expensive clothes, no expensive anything.  One would need to spin up the creative process and apply the mind to the taste more than the purse to the task.

Historically men and women meet each other because they live or work in the same vicinity.  Today with globalization and distributed work networks, we are pulled so far outside the area where we grew up, it seems like we must reinvent the wheel.  It is not at all necessary, just a matter of what we want to do, and how we want to do it.  One can easily take a basic job at a restaurant serving food, delivering food, and meeting people who work with their hands to feed their mouth.  It can be applied to people who work with their brain to feed their mouth, but there are complications with those group.

I know a lot of monastic people.  You do not see them in the news condemning genocide, screaming for democracy or world peace.  Usually they are busy helping someone nearby.  For thousands of years they have passed on these traditions, living and working among the people.  Not sitting in an ivory tower, talking about ending poverty.  Of these people, I closely associate the Theravada tradition of buddhism, with more male than female acquaintances. But I can say there is a consensus by both sexes on the idea of ideal spouses.  Such as giving versus taking.  Offering a good deal vs shopping for a good deal.

I cannot recall the exact words of Franklin, but he uses an old language that is hard to understand anyway.  If you want to find the perfect husband, all you need to do is become the perfect wife. Maybe those were the exact words.  In this regard, I have seen 5-10 men that may fit this idea (I am not one of them).  I can currently recall a few, and they were all students in the ministry of Jesus christ.  They left for one reason or another and married with children.  I suspect the wife had something to do with their exit from the life of abstinence, but all have provided alibi showing that was not the case.  I have heard of one monk who left the monastic orders to go create a family with his admirer.  My catechism explained how it is very easy to have a female shower you with admiration, as a young priest. You dress well, speak well, and exhibit an excellent character.  So one of the major risks to your career is letting this admiration get to you.  During my time around the nuns, I cannot help but notice what great spouse they could make.  So I explored the idea, but they all seem very resistant to the idea.  My own teacher, knowing my evil plan, also issued the only request during our 2 years together.  He said whatever you do, please leave the nuns alone.  They worked very hard to abandon the struggles of life, it would be a big sin to undo all their sacrifices. I cannot ignore my teacher’s only request, but other men do not have the same obligation.

Outside of the monastic order, where individuals practice self control and tolerance on a daily basis, there are also other venues.  As most men and women come together for the purpose of building a family, and presumably with little mini men running around the house, it would be prudent to find someone who is already well suited for the task already.  I have seen a 26 year old man shack up with a 31+ woman, the first woman he dated in the country, and married and currently still married with 3 children.  I could tell, or I had thought he was a wise man for his age.  He could shop for a better deal, but he chose to be the better deal.  He met her at an orphanage where she was working to care for children that are not her own.

I can tell you that not all women are capable of loving other people’s children.  I know this well.  I am currently living with a woman who loves children that are not hers. I do not have a choice but if I do have a choice, I think this is something one should look for.  Raising children is not a suitable task for selfish people, and selfish people will find a way to be selfish. Then not only are you creating pain for you, but you have now created suffering for a new life as well.  What greater sin than to bring into this world a new life, and create hell on earth for them, with your own hands.  Many orphanages around the world have lodging.  One can almost live there for months and live a new life.  If one is keen on finding caregivers of children, then what better place to find them than the place where children need them the most.  As far as how ethical it is to go to an orphanage to find your spouse, I say consult your lawyer first.  They can warp ethics to any end you like and allow you to carry out your task with good conscience.

You can go to a temple or church, and find people who are regular patrons of the community.  In catholic school, I noticed that they teach the home is like a small church.  So if they already learned to live in the big church, then having them move into the small church at home is not a difficult task.  I suppose that entire experiences of dedicating every sunday to family and god paved the way for family life.  Making sacrifices daily and weekly for the welfare of others.  When you compare these or contrast these with activities like going to the bar, get drunk, get wild, get loose, and then pay 9 months of pain for 5 minutes of pleasure, then it sort of makes sense.  Then executive emergency rationalization and marriage to save face.  It makes sense, in a sinister sort of way, but I have a twisted mind.

In buddhist laws for practitioner and monastic alike, alcohol is at the top of the list of sin.  Because once the guard to the mind is compromised, all the other sins are free to enter.  Like a hotel without any security guard at the door, anyone can enter and do harmful things to all the guests.  And in your head, rest a lot of guests.  The good guests will leave if the hotel becomes uncomfortable.

Outside areas of self restraining and abstinent, there are other more exciting places.  Like Jidu Krishnamurti said, the purpose of austerity is just austerity.  The purpose of abstinence is just suffering.  Let’s go hedonistic and satisfy the senses.  It does not matter which senses we cater to.  The music sings, the visual art pleases, and they can all serve to bring us to new highs.  We can find people with similar interests and get high together.  The problem is at least two fold.

When you serve your sense of pleasures, there is a never ending emptiness that requires more and more.  Yes, people can say they know when enough is enough.  However, delusions have said the same things across thousands of years.

The tasks involved with living with anyone, requires some work.  House work, taking care of others when they are not healthy, countless little things that were not there before are now on your plate.  For me, the way people arbitrarily crush toothpaste is the most annoying thing to deal with.  I curse the day I marry, because now I always have an ugly looking toothpaste tube staring at me.  How hard is it to squeeze the tube from the bottom to the top, and preserve a perfectly round and even surface.  I may have to divorce this one to spare me the suffering.  Living with other people is actually the hardest thing to learn in life.  The more people we have to live with the harder it is.  And this is to a large extent why globalization is struggling.  Why should we tolerate or give more to people we know nothing about?  Why should those guys live as well as we do?  Well, I detract again.

School seems to be a great place to find developing minds.  The biggest issue I find with developing minds is that they are developing. You never know what you’re going to get. “My momma always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get’” No where is it more true than a young fawn.

Beyond the basics, there are advanced understanding that can go into dark territory.  How you can bucket or categorize women (or men) into smaller stereotypes.  Before 24, they mostly want to go explore exciting things in life.  Travel more, hang out with bigger crowds.  By 28 or 40, they may want to find a smaller crowd or places with just one or 2, and you can hope to be part of that 2.  I had a very smart fella, who was adamant about capping his dating age at 22.  Anything beyond that and they make his life too serious to have a good time.  On the other hand, anything below 22 is probably good for a serious relationship.

Now, I have met at least a few 22s that are more serious than I was in my 30s.  So any rules are good, but 100% always.  I could say there was a sense of regret, because I undervalued an opportunity and missed a great deal of my life.  At the time, I told her I was looking for a wife to start my family and she’s too young.  She had rebutted that she is not, but I did not take her seriously.  That was my ignorant.

There were a lot of ways, but we cannot neglect the idea of fair exchange.

If you have $10 but want to exchange it for $100, we generally call it a scam.  In a relationship, we can also consider the idea of a fair exchange.  Where the parties are walking away with an amicable trade. If we are so kind as to exchange $100 for $10, then obviously our trade partner will love us to the end of the world.  That is, if they are capable of loving in the first place ;)

On how to make men into the perfect husband, I would say be a student.  I watched the best husband I have seen and I can say that they do more than me.   One recent exhibit, he worked 10 hours a day, came home and helped his wife run the retail store, took care of the kids until sleep, and woke up at 2 am to help one of the special needs.  Across 3 months, I observed he always does whatever his wife asks with not a single word, and I wonder how he is not tired so I ask.  He’s tired, but he does it.  A life of service, to self, to family, to community, to country seems to be one that has no time for resting. Hence, why we see so many throughout history.  I have seen many, and I attest that very few can do this without quitting. I myself want to quit nearly daily.

I think when you can service a woman at this level, it becomes easier to find the perfect wife.  The rest of the imperfect specimens, you can purchase at the local shopping plaza.  They are always out looking for the most expensive, most glamorous, most famous items to own.  Probably not hard to ensnare actually, but that-you have to go do your own research.

The why of it all is simple.  We are alive and we want to be that way.  Finding happiness is just part of the code.  I can also show you how to break that code, but I cannot justify why we want to break that code.  So I opted to just live as I was coded.

If you run my writing through a chatbot, it may have a better flow and poetic verses.